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Holidays

When I was a little girl I had a perfect vision of how my holidays would be once I graduated from high school. I would come back home for the holidays and I would have 2 of everything. I would have him, he and I would be the dream team. He would look out for me just like I would look out for him. That man and I could’ve had it all, around this time of the year I get particularly sad because the holidays that I spent with him were so utterly perfect. Honestly, I imagined those holidays continuing that way for years and years to come with his family. Then one day, we would still spend holidays together but we’d have our own little family. Four years of my life, four amazing years I really have no regrets when it comes to that man. He and I were perfect, we were the couple that everyone wanted to be, I saw all of the amazingness he had before he even knew he had it and he loved me during my awkward years. He complimented me today and I swear that I died a little, whenever he says something to me I feel like I’m 14 again. It’s like I went back 5 years and I’m that naive, and hopeless romantic girl. I mean I think somewhere deep inside she’ll always be there, we all hope for that epic love story that comes in and changes our life. I had it, and sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened and if it would’ve been different if he and I had met when we were older and wiser. I always knew that he and I were meant for each other, I have never felt more comfortable around anyone else in my entire life to this day I still don’t think I’ll ever get that again. Everyone asks me why I’ve been single since him but the truth is I’m scared. He was my first love, my first real everything, no one else will ever get me the way he did, and I know that sounds dumb because I am so young but I sincerely feel this way. I am scared that I would be replacing all of the memories I had with him, and I don’t want to forget because those were the best years of my life. He was my everything for so long, he was my rock and what kept me going on most days. I don’t think he knew it but he was, I want to see him. I want to hold him and rest my head on his chest I crave seeing his beautiful smile and hearing his contagious laugh. The reason why I feel like I can’t move on is because I can’t wholeheartedly say I don’t care for him anymore. But then again he was my first love I guess a part of me will always love him. I remember one of my favorite holidays with him was Halloween we hung out with his mom in the living room watching scary movies and passing out candy to little kids. That was the year that I carved my first pumpkin, I remember it like it was yesterday, and gosh I would do anything to go back to that day and have him talk crap to me because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. When he left a part of me left with him, that innocent little girl didn’t exist anymore. He made me the fiery, rebellious, brat that I became and I can never thank him enough.

 

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