This shit wasn’t supposed to happen, I was not supposed to start talking to some guy that I just met. Let alone spend so much time with him. I wake up in the middle of the night having the same nightmares that I’ve been having for a couple of months now and instead of waking up to his protective arms around me I wake up to an empty bed. I can’t help but feel so damn lost and alone whenever I wake up, it’s not that I need him because I know damn well that I don’t need anyone, but I just feel so much better when he is around. I haven’t had to stay awake until 6 am when I’m around him because just feeling his warm body makes me feel safe. It makes me forget everything I’ve gone through these past couple of months. I am my own independent person and I know that but I just feel like a smarter and much better version of myself when he is around me. I know that I’ve only known him for like a week but I feel so damn comfortable it’s actually kind of scary. I know that this probably isn’t going to last and that he isn’t going to stick around but a girl can dream.
I felt like I was drowning in an abyss, and like my whole world was just colliding one aspect of it at a time. Suddenly I saw this amazing light that came int0 my life and I wasn’t sad anymore, my life felt fun and carefree once again. For the months while I was away at school I never really felt like myself, instead I felt like an entirely different person and I didn’t enjoy it. Back at school there was so much drama that was following me around and I just didn’t want to have to deal with it but I had to. But then, I came home and I met him. He wasn’t the kind of guy that I would typically go for. When I say this about him I say it in the nicest and most caring way possible, he just seemed to have a lot more depth then every guy I had encountered. My life was becoming such a shit-show so this was perfect for me, he was going to be good for me. I was finally right about something, I finally made a smart decision. I wanted him from the moment I saw him, and I tend to get what I want. The day, the time, and the way that I met him was all just to perfect and too good to be true, I knew that something had to be wrong with this man because I don’t just hit it off with guys immediately. I am the kind of girl that enjoys to tease a guy and mess around with him, but something about him was different and I noticed it instantaneously. He dished me the sass I gave him right back, and no one ever did that to me, he wasn’t needy, we both want each other and enjoy each other’s company but we don’t need each other. He and I could stop talking tomorrow and we would go on with our lives perfectly fine. He isn’t my better half because I am my own person but I do feel happier and better when he’s around. I crave his touch and I crave his lips and I am afraid, afraid that he’ll make me feel like I’m once again falling into an abyss. For now, I’m going to roll with the punches and enjoy whatever comes out of this, because I know for a fact that this man came in just in time.
As much as I want to continue to lie to myself and say that I’m okay, I know that I’m not. Talking to him, man talking to him just brightens me up like nothing else can. I catch myself telling him things I can’t tell anyone else, that man brings out the best in me and I finally realized the cold hard truth. I am always going to love him, he was my first love, my first real boyfriend, the guy who set my expectations so high for everyone after him. He was the guy who put me on a pedestal and made me realize how much I was actually worth. He was, is and will always will be my best friend. I can pretend that I hate him and that I don’t miss him, but I’d just be lying to myself. I miss him all the time, I would say everyday but I’d be lying, sometimes I don’t think about him. When I do think about him though it hits me like a ton of bricks. When something important in my life happens to this day he is still the first person I want to run to and talk about it with. He was my person, he was that person who always brought out the best in me. Now years later I wish that we would’ve kept our relationship alive because I do miss him. No matter what he does I am always proud of him, I am forever unconditionally his #1 fan. No one else is ever going to come close to sharing such an amazing love like the one he and I had. Down the road maybe I’ll fall in love again, but it’ll be different and it’ll be special in its own way. For now, all I know is that my bub is my favorite person ever since I met him. I will always love him and look out for him no matter where life takes us.
I have one day or rather one vivid memory of him. It never fails to make me smile because he never failed to make me smile. We’re laying down in bed and we’re gossiping about some guy and his relationship. I stopped and looked at him, like really looked at him. “What?” He asked, and I responded with a smile and kiss followed by me resting my head on his shoulder. I didn’t have to say it, he knew, he always knew. I wanted that, I wanted him, I wanted moments like the one we just shared. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life, the man who made me infinitely happy. He knew me so well, I just feel like I’m never going to find that again. He knew about my obsession for crushed ice, he loved my annoying little quirks. He always held doors for me, walked me to my car, to my door. Gosh I loved him, looking back I can wholeheartedly say that I loved him. It wasn’t lust, infatuation or puppy love. I genuinely loved that man. The man who knew when I wanted to put hot sauce on my tacos and who knew how damn impatient I was while waiting for food. Man, I miss watching him play video games. I miss sneaking him kisses while his family was away, I miss hugging him while I slept. I miss getting my back scratched, I miss it all. I crave it.
I wish I would’ve known this is how it was going to be, everyone said that the college life was different but I never expected this. Never in a million years did I think that I would live where men are constantly feeling the need to degrade women and it saddens me so much that they see this as being okay. I had sex with a guy who is so beautiful, he has gorgeous blue eyes, a perfect white smile, amazing light brown hair, and a body that makes me want to just hold him for eternity. There was something about the way that he walked and the way that he was just so sure of himself and I should have known he’d be no good for me, I won’t say that I wish I would’ve run away at the first sign of trouble because then I wouldn’t have learned. This guy said everything I wanted hear, he had a way with words and a way of giving me a look that made me melt. I already know how clichè that sounds, but it’s true. I wanted to know him I wanted to hold him and feel his masculine hands running up and down my lower back. I was never one to listen but in this case I should’ve been careful with what I wished for. I had him, I felt him I felt his lips on mine and our hands intertwined. I felt whole for a while, but the emptiness that lingered after was much more present than he was. He made me feel like the most amazing and beautiful girl the first night I met him. Everything I had searched for, I had found. When he first kissed me out in that dance floor I swear I felt like I had been burned, the sensation stayed for a long time. He held me so gently and so anxious at the same time, he was scared to hurt me, but he was hungry to kiss me again. He looked at me with blue eyes and pierced through every wall I had built to keep boys like him out. He grabbed my face and pulled me into him, and my world just collided because I hadn’t felt a passion so fierce in a long time. Each touch, kiss, laugh, smile felt cherished because I didn’t know if it’d be the last. Somehow I managed to make it alive and to his house and we kissed for seemed like hours and he kept his hands on my waist, never straying lower down nor higher up and I was happy I felt like this is what it was supposed to be like. I felt like I was supposed to be with this amazing man, and of course naive me began to imagine every possible scenario with a boy she was suddenly infatuated with. But my life is nothing like the movies, so the night came to an end and I had not slept with the boy I so badly wanted to. Of course, stupid me couldn’t let it go I had to make sure I had him. So the next time I saw him, I went up to him and asked him if he wanted to leave with me, and he excitedly said yes. When it happened it felt like my soul had left my body and entered a different dimension, my heart was all of a sudden whole again. After it happened, he looked me in the eyes and this time neither of us pierced into one another instead, I saw nothing. I saw cold icy blue eyes. I saw a gorgeous man, with whom I had shared moments that I’d never forget. I saw a man who craved more just like I do but was too afraid to admit it, I saw a coward who his behind his masculinity. I saw a man who I had just shared the most intimate part of me and took it for granted. And so I left, but it didn’t end there he had to go and belittle me with all of his guy friends. While college is a time to experiment and a time to enjoy yourself, the lesson here is be picky. Nitpick at everything they do, find the one that you really want to be around when all of the fun is over. Love yourself before you give yourself to someone. I didn’t love myself or value my body when this happened, which is why I wrote it.
This new journey I’ve just embarked on is such a blessing but it’s also such an overwhelming process that is making me crazy. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always said , “I can’t to leave for college” or “I can’t wait to move out of my house” and now I’m gone but at what cost? Ever since I can remember I knew that I wanted to do great things with my life and I knew that meant I had to make sacrifices but I miss the comfort of my bed, I miss the creaking noise my stairs make when I walk up them. I miss hearing my dad getting ready for work in the middle of the night and have him tell me to go to sleep. I long for those conversations I had with my mom when I’d come back from school, or falling asleep next to her while she played with my hair.
My bubby, my happiness, my little ray of sunshine, my personal pain in the butt. I crave that amazing man in every sense possible, I need him with every fiber in my body. How can I possibly be so attached to someone whom I’ve known for such a short period of time? How can you tell your mind, body, and heart to not feel this way? The amount of happiness I feel around him is indescribably amazing. But now that I’m not around him anymore all I can really do is miss all the things I love about him. Like how I miss the way his big, masculine hands touch the side of my face while we kiss, or the way he’ll dance like no one is watching when he’s driving. I miss his cute smile and gorgeous dark eyes. I miss the way we come together as one whenever we’re together, I miss looking into his eyes as he talks to me. I miss his laugh, gosh I miss his laugh. I can’t stand how he doesn’t realize that to me he is like the sound of the crunching of fall leaves, I could listen to it forever just like I could be around him forever. I wish he realized how much he is worth not juts to me, but in general, this man is amazing and I’m an average girl he happened to be interested in. He is the amazing one here, he’s the one who makes me feel like nothing can hurt me, like I can do anything I set my mind to, he’s the man who makes me forget about every bad thing that’s going on in my life. But he’s also the man who drives me completely bonkers, he’s the man who makes me second guess myself and reevaluate what I’ve been doing for the past 18 years without him even realizing he’s had such a big impact on me. He’s the man who makes me a better version of myself without even realizing he’s doing so. He’s the man who makes me want to pull my hair out when he doesn’t realize he’s being exasperating. He’s the man who I want to give the world to, who I want to annoy constantly.
Feeling like crap while you’re just getting accommodated to your new life, sucks. Plain and simple, and no questions asked. This damn cold makes it so hard for me to want to talk to people seeing as my voice sounds like that of an old man well into his 60’s. Missing home, missing my bub, and missing my regular annoying voice as well at this point. Thats how you know I’m really sick.
Nostalgia, a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past. Though I do not long for the past because towards the end of it all you felt like an itchy Christmas sweater. You were supposed to bring me happiness and nothing but that but instead I felt a sense of uncomfortability. I wanted the sweater off, I wanted you gone. I needed a hoodie and some sweat pants that were comfy and baggy but tight at the right places.
I do reminisce about the good times and sometimes I’ll hear something that’ll take me right back to a moment that brought me sheer and utter happiness but then I remember that it now brings me sorrow and pain because I outgrew the sweater. I took it off, and never wore it again.
Seeing an old picture will drive me insane because we had so many good days, but an equal amount of bad ones. And then I remember that I gave the itchy sweater away.
Peace, a sense of quietness and tranquility. A feeling that I love, that I not feel ever since I got rid of my itchy Christmas sweater.