I wish I could describe it in words. I wish I could explain how comfortable and utterly bliss I was, but I can’t. I am at peace not only with myself but with what happened between me and him. From a distance he seemed douchey, he seemed arrogant and annoying. From close up he was gorgeous, sweet and witty. I felt like I could be myself and I didn’t have to sugarcoat anything I said because he could handle the truth. There are rare occasions where I feel as if I can just dish out my sassiness to anyone, and this was one of those. From when we started talking and “clicking“(in his words) I knew that this was going to be one for the books, I knew this would be one I’d never forget. I wanted to know everything about him, I wanted to feel his hands on my bare skin. I needed to know what his lips tasted like and I was scared that it would be addicted, hooked just like that.
This shit wasn’t supposed to happen, I was not supposed to start talking to some guy that I just met. Let alone spend so much time with him. I wake up in the middle of the night having the same nightmares that I’ve been having for a couple of months now and instead of waking up to his protective arms around me I wake up to an empty bed. I can’t help but feel so damn lost and alone whenever I wake up, it’s not that I need him because I know damn well that I don’t need anyone, but I just feel so much better when he is around. I haven’t had to stay awake until 6 am when I’m around him because just feeling his warm body makes me feel safe. It makes me forget everything I’ve gone through these past couple of months. I am my own independent person and I know that but I just feel like a smarter and much better version of myself when he is around me. I know that I’ve only known him for like a week but I feel so damn comfortable it’s actually kind of scary. I know that this probably isn’t going to last and that he isn’t going to stick around but a girl can dream.
I felt like I was drowning in an abyss, and like my whole world was just colliding one aspect of it at a time. Suddenly I saw this amazing light that came int0 my life and I wasn’t sad anymore, my life felt fun and carefree once again. For the months while I was away at school I never really felt like myself, instead I felt like an entirely different person and I didn’t enjoy it. Back at school there was so much drama that was following me around and I just didn’t want to have to deal with it but I had to. But then, I came home and I met him. He wasn’t the kind of guy that I would typically go for. When I say this about him I say it in the nicest and most caring way possible, he just seemed to have a lot more depth then every guy I had encountered. My life was becoming such a shit-show so this was perfect for me, he was going to be good for me. I was finally right about something, I finally made a smart decision. I wanted him from the moment I saw him, and I tend to get what I want. The day, the time, and the way that I met him was all just to perfect and too good to be true, I knew that something had to be wrong with this man because I don’t just hit it off with guys immediately. I am the kind of girl that enjoys to tease a guy and mess around with him, but something about him was different and I noticed it instantaneously. He dished me the sass I gave him right back, and no one ever did that to me, he wasn’t needy, we both want each other and enjoy each other’s company but we don’t need each other. He and I could stop talking tomorrow and we would go on with our lives perfectly fine. He isn’t my better half because I am my own person but I do feel happier and better when he’s around. I crave his touch and I crave his lips and I am afraid, afraid that he’ll make me feel like I’m once again falling into an abyss. For now, I’m going to roll with the punches and enjoy whatever comes out of this, because I know for a fact that this man came in just in time.
As much as I want to continue to lie to myself and say that I’m okay, I know that I’m not. Talking to him, man talking to him just brightens me up like nothing else can. I catch myself telling him things I can’t tell anyone else, that man brings out the best in me and I finally realized the cold hard truth. I am always going to love him, he was my first love, my first real boyfriend, the guy who set my expectations so high for everyone after him. He was the guy who put me on a pedestal and made me realize how much I was actually worth. He was, is and will always will be my best friend. I can pretend that I hate him and that I don’t miss him, but I’d just be lying to myself. I miss him all the time, I would say everyday but I’d be lying, sometimes I don’t think about him. When I do think about him though it hits me like a ton of bricks. When something important in my life happens to this day he is still the first person I want to run to and talk about it with. He was my person, he was that person who always brought out the best in me. Now years later I wish that we would’ve kept our relationship alive because I do miss him. No matter what he does I am always proud of him, I am forever unconditionally his #1 fan. No one else is ever going to come close to sharing such an amazing love like the one he and I had. Down the road maybe I’ll fall in love again, but it’ll be different and it’ll be special in its own way. For now, all I know is that my bub is my favorite person ever since I met him. I will always love him and look out for him no matter where life takes us.