Holidays

When I was a little girl I had a perfect vision of how my holidays would be once I graduated from high school. I would come back home for the holidays and I would have 2 of everything. I would have him, he and I would be the dream team. He would look out for me just like I would look out for him. That man and I could’ve had it all, around this time of the year I get particularly sad because the holidays that I spent with him were so utterly perfect. Honestly, I imagined those holidays continuing that way for years and years to come with his family. Then one day, we would still spend holidays together but we’d have our own little family. Four years of my life, four amazing years I really have no regrets when it comes to that man. He and I were perfect, we were the couple that everyone wanted to be, I saw all of the amazingness he had before he even knew he had it and he loved me during my awkward years. He complimented me today and I swear that I died a little, whenever he says something to me I feel like I’m 14 again. It’s like I went back 5 years and I’m that naive, and hopeless romantic girl. I mean I think somewhere deep inside she’ll always be there, we all hope for that epic love story that comes in and changes our life. I had it, and sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened and if it would’ve been different if he and I had met when we were older and wiser. I always knew that he and I were meant for each other, I have never felt more comfortable around anyone else in my entire life to this day I still don’t think I’ll ever get that again. Everyone asks me why I’ve been single since him but the truth is I’m scared. He was my first love, my first real everything, no one else will ever get me the way he did, and I know that sounds dumb because I am so young but I sincerely feel this way. I am scared that I would be replacing all of the memories I had with him, and I don’t want to forget because those were the best years of my life. He was my everything for so long, he was my rock and what kept me going on most days. I don’t think he knew it but he was, I want to see him. I want to hold him and rest my head on his chest I crave seeing his beautiful smile and hearing his contagious laugh. The reason why I feel like I can’t move on is because I can’t wholeheartedly say I don’t care for him anymore. But then again he was my first love I guess a part of me will always love him. I remember one of my favorite holidays with him was Halloween we hung out with his mom in the living room watching scary movies and passing out candy to little kids. That was the year that I carved my first pumpkin, I remember it like it was yesterday, and gosh I would do anything to go back to that day and have him talk crap to me because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. When he left a part of me left with him, that innocent little girl didn’t exist anymore. He made me the fiery, rebellious, brat that I became and I can never thank him enough.

 

Everyday

Criticize

We live our daily lives interacting with people not knowing what they’ve been through or what they’re currently going through. Yet somehow, we are so judgemental of everyone, and it is for the smallest most shallow reasons ever. We don’t realize that the reason why that girl looks like a mess is because maybe she had to work an 8-hour shift on top of school or that maybe that guy can’t afford to buy the newest Jordans. We are all hypocrites, we don’t like to get looked at the wrong way or judged for what we do but yet we do the exact same thing to other people. With modern day technology, it has gotten that much easier to humiliate someone, you can take a picture and post it on twitter or just take a snapchat video. We think it’s funny to completely put someone out there without thinking about the repercussions of our actions.

Exquisite

 Exquisite
Sometimes life gives you a little taste of the greater things in life, like an expensive meal, or some fine wine. The real beauty though, is when you find that connection with someone, and you can wholeheartedly say that they make you happy. Whoever this person in your life is, helps you forget about your daily problems and helps you value the simple things in life. Sure fancy dining is always fun, but it’s dull if you’re not spending it with someone who can make you laugh. I mean really laugh, like the kind of laughter that makes you cry and think about when was the last time you laughed so hard. Life is full of so many sad and disappointing moments but sometimes within all of that, there’s a tiny spec of hope. When you hold and get held by someone you care about it’s indescribable. Kissing the lips of the one that makes you happy, now that’s amazingly exquisite. 

Someday I will…

Someday

Someday I’m going to be happy. That’s really all I want in life. These past few months completely broke me and forced me to become a new person. I love this new me, I love the person that I’m slowly becoming, but I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something. I can’t go back to the place that made me so unhappy, I want to but it just pains me to think about it. I am finally learning to be selfish and making myself a priority in my own life. I have always been so worried about what other people want and what I can do to help them, but now I just want to do what is going to benefit me. A lot of people would say they want the perfect man, family, or house. While that all sounds lovely waaay down the road, right now all I want is to be blissfully happy. I want to be okay with what happened to me, and I want to be able to move on with my life. I just can’t help but feel like I have a chip on my shoulder, and it’s just weighing me down from showing all the potential I know I have. Someday I am going to go to law school. Someday I will have some beautiful kids running around my house. Someday I’ll be lucky enough to wake up next to the man of my dreams. Someday, I will be happy.

Mine For The Taking

Shine

You always hear people in movies say to the protagonist something along the lines of “This is your moment” or “It’s your time to shine.” In real life no one ever really says that to you, but somehow you know when it’s your time. It’s a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, it’s your gut, brain and heart yelling “GO FOR IT” in perfect sync. Whether that moment is finally talking to the cute guy from the gym or bettering your position at work, these moments are rare and hard to miss. When I was at my graduation and they called my name I knew that it was literally my time to shine because those lights were nearly blinding, but aside from that I knew that after this moment the world was mine. I could do anything I wanted to do, I knew that I was going to be able to go out into the world and conquer one piece at a time. I felt invincible, and sometimes you don’t need someone else to tell you it’s your time to shine, I know I didn’t. At that point I knew that the world and everything it had to offer was mine for the taking.

Infinite

Infinite

When I was a little girl all I really wanted was to be older, I wanted to venture out and see all of the gorgeous things there are to see, and I wanted to have crazy adventures to someday tell my children. Now being a little older, I’ve realized something that I’m not sure I had grasped the concept of when I was a kid, we all have so many opportunities in this life. Being a college freshman you realize that you have your whole life ahead of you, and the things that you’re going to experience are going to be endless. Sometimes I just want to slow down the time, because there is no better feeling than being out on a Saturday night with my sorority sisters and feeling like we’re on top of the world. Man, nights like those I wish I could relive over and over again, but that’s the beautiful part, you don’t get to. What you do get to do though, is to go out with your friends again and try and make the most out of that night as well. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to constantly feel so alive surrounded by such amazing people, because whenever we are together I am simply infinitely and utterly at peace with this big scary world.

Christmas Party

I wish I could describe it in words. I wish I could explain how comfortable and utterly bliss I was, but I can’t. I am at peace not only with myself but with what happened between me and him. From a distance he seemed douchey, he seemed arrogant and annoying. From close up he was gorgeous, sweet and witty. I felt like I could be myself and I didn’t have to sugarcoat anything I said because he could handle the truth. There are rare occasions where I feel as if I can just dish out my sassiness to anyone, and this was one of those. From when we started talking and “clicking“(in his words) I knew that this was going to be one for the books, I knew this would be one I’d never forget. I wanted to know everything about him, I wanted to feel his hands on my bare skin. I needed to know what his lips tasted like and I was scared that it would be addicted, hooked just like that.

Unexpected

This shit wasn’t supposed to happen, I was not supposed to start talking to some guy that I just met. Let alone spend so much time with him. I wake up in the middle of the night having the same nightmares that I’ve been having for a couple of months now and instead of waking up to his protective arms around me I wake up to an empty bed. I can’t help but feel so damn lost and alone whenever I wake up, it’s not that I need him because I know damn well that I don’t need anyone, but I just feel so much better when he is around. I haven’t had to stay awake until 6 am when I’m around him because just feeling his warm body makes me feel safe. It makes me forget everything I’ve gone through these past couple of months. I am my own independent person and I know that but I just feel like a smarter and much better version of myself when he is around me. I know that I’ve only known him for like a week but I feel so damn comfortable it’s actually kind of scary. I know that this probably isn’t going to last and that he isn’t going to stick around but a girl can dream.

Perfect Timing

I felt like I was drowning in an abyss, and like my whole world was just colliding one aspect of it at a time. Suddenly I saw this amazing light that came int0 my life and I wasn’t sad anymore, my life felt fun and carefree once again. For the months while I was away at school I never really felt like myself, instead I felt like an entirely different person and I didn’t enjoy it. Back at school there was so much drama that was following me around and I just didn’t want to have to deal with it but I had to. But then, I came home and I met him. He wasn’t the kind of guy that I would typically go for. When I say this about him I say it in the nicest and most caring way possible, he just seemed to have a lot more depth then every guy I had encountered. My life was becoming such a shit-show so this was perfect for me, he was going to be good for me. I was finally right about something, I finally made a smart decision. I wanted him from the moment I saw him, and I tend to get what I want. The day, the time, and the way that I met him was all just to perfect and too good to be true, I knew that something had to be wrong with this man because I don’t just hit it off with guys immediately. I am the kind of girl that enjoys to tease a guy and mess around with him, but something about him was different and I noticed it instantaneously. He dished me the sass I gave him right back, and no one ever did that to me, he wasn’t needy, we both want each other and enjoy each other’s company but we don’t need each other. He and I could stop talking tomorrow and we would go on with our lives perfectly fine. He isn’t my better half because I am my own person but I do feel happier and better when he’s around. I crave his touch and I crave his lips and I am afraid, afraid that he’ll make me feel like I’m once again falling into an abyss. For now, I’m going to roll with the punches and enjoy whatever comes out of this, because I know for a fact that this man came in just in time.

Always

As much as I want to continue to lie to myself and say that I’m okay, I know that I’m not. Talking to him, man talking to him just brightens me up like nothing else can. I catch myself telling him things I can’t tell anyone else, that man brings out the best in me and I finally realized the cold hard truth. I am always going to love him, he was my first love, my first real boyfriend, the guy who set my expectations so high for everyone after him. He was the guy who put me on a pedestal and made me realize how much I was actually worth. He was, is and will always will be my best friend. I can pretend that I hate him and that I don’t miss him, but I’d just be lying to myself. I miss him all the time, I would say everyday but I’d be lying, sometimes I don’t think about him. When I do think about him though it hits me like a ton of bricks. When something important in my life happens to this day he is still the first person I want to run to and talk about it with. He was my person, he was that person who always brought out the best in me. Now years later I wish that we would’ve kept our relationship alive because I do miss him. No matter what he does I am always proud of him, I am forever unconditionally his #1 fan. No one else is ever going to come close to sharing such an amazing love like the one he and I had. Down the road maybe I’ll fall in love again, but it’ll be different and it’ll be special in its own way. For now, all I know is that my bub is my favorite person ever since I met him. I will always love him and look out for him no matter where life takes us.